Empathy is not one-size-fits-all. Different types of empathy are appropriate for different people, relationships, and circumstances.
If you are struggling to express empathy, your problem might not be that you aren’t an empathetic person—it could be that you’re accessing a type of empathy that doesn’t come naturally to you or that the type of empathy you’re expressing isn’t appropriate for the situation at hand.
Couple embracing with husband showing empathyThe Roots of Empathy
As humans, whether it comes naturally to us or not, the capacity to be empathetic is a part of being human. The ability to express empathy is programed in our DNA.
Empathy is one of our most basic animal instincts. We have all observed how our pets seem to feel our pain when we are sad or recoil in fear when we are angry. That’s because we share this power of empathy with other mammals.
In fact, much of what we know about empathy, we learned from our primate cousins. Studies of rhesus monkeys have traced our penchant for empathy back to mirror neurons. These special brain cells lead us to mimic the emotions and behaviors of those around us.
Of course, human empathy has since evolved to become more sophisticated. Our definition of empathy now encompasses multiple types of empathy, including emotional, cognitive, and compassionate.
Let’s talk about the three types of empathy and how and when to use them for the best results.
Father and son conversing
Why Do We Need Different Kinds of Empathy?
Empathy is important for a number of reasons. It allows us to feel heard and understood, which are basic human needs that deeply impact how we relate to one another.
But, the type of empathy we express matters, too, because that choice can create connections (or disconnections) between ourselves and others. Without empathy in our relationships (or using the most effective kind of empathy), we can struggle to form meaningful and lasting relationships, whether they are platonic or romantic.
For example, we’ve all experienced how our attempts to comfort someone can go awry unexpectedly. Even when we think we’re doing or saying the right thing, we sometimes get a reaction that’s not what we wanted or expected.
In these situations, we may be unaware that we’re asserting a disheartening approach. For instance, we might be trying to solve a close friend’s problem when all they want is someone to truly listen. Or we might be attempting to make a customer calm down by resolving an issue when acknowledging and empathizing with their frustration and dissatisfaction are imperative to help them calm. We can move too quickly to solve their predicament and forget that emotions need to be expressed and understood.
When you receive an unexpected reaction to your attempts to be empathetic, it’s a clue that you might need to apply a different type of empathy for that situation or you’re solving the person’s problem instead of empathizing.
When this happens, it’s important to turn inward and ask ourselves where we’re coming from and if the type of empathy we’re using is helping or hindering the person from feeling heard. How is our response affecting the situation? When a person feels emotionally heard and understood, the intensity of their emotion diminishes—a second cue whether we’re utilizing the most effective kind of empathy.